The Mom Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode

Only one creature was stirring and she was cleaning the commode.

The children were finally sleeping all snug in their beds,

While visions of Nintendo and Barbie flipped through their heads.

The dad was snoring in front of the TV,

With a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
Which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs and saw the old man.

He was covered with ashes and soot, which fell with a shrug,
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.
Your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is some time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?
Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – the mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.

“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young and The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!
I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy! Come quickly, I’m scared and I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one and hummed her a tune,
As she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”

The clone smiled and sighed, “And I love you, too.”
The mom frowned and said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s love she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child and tucked her in bed.
‘Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
When they’ll be too old for my cradle and song.”
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”

With the clone by his side Santa said, “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, you’ll be all right.”

Answers - Songs of Christmas

1. Where do you hear Silver Bells?                              
"And on every street corner you hear", Silver Bells…

2. Who danced with the silk hat on his head?                            
Frosty, of course

3. Where do you find Reindeer Paws?                                     
Up on a housetop Reindeer Pause…

4. What did the noisy cattle do to wake the poor baby?                    
The cattle were Lowing

5. When did I see three ships?                               
I saw 3ships come sailing in on Christmas day in the morning.

6. What size were the Kings of the Orient?                             
They were tiny little Kings, they were wee…

7. What helps to make the season bright?                              
Some turkey and some mistletoe, help…..

8. Who wants a pair of hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots?
That’s the hope of Barney and Ben - cause it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…

9. Who still wants a hula-hoop?                                       
ALVIN!!! still wants a hula hoop

10. Who kept time to the drum?
Along with the drummer boy "The Ox and Lamb kept time" ba rum bum bum bum

11. Who and what color was the animal that gave the hay to pillow his head?
I said the cow all white and red , I gave him my hay to pillow his head (from "The Friendly Beasts")

12.Where do the hopes and fears of all the years meet?
The hopes and fears of all the years are met in "Thee" or in the little town of Bethlehem.

13. What would keep me warm all the way home? 
But if you really hold me tight, all the way home I’ll be warm. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

14. What does Susie want?
Jolly old St Nicholas says "Susie wants a sled"

15. Why does the child want his two front teeth?
So he can wish you Merry Christmas or (whistle)

16. What was the other reindeer's name? (she used to laugh and call him names)
Olive. "All of the other reindeer"

17. What was the horse in Jingle bells named? 
Bob "The bells on Bobbed tails rang"

I8. When will I finally go?
I’ll wish you a merry Christmas, but I won’t go until I get some, (or figgy pudding)

19. What color is Christmas without you?

Elvis said it would be a blue Christmas without you

20. What is the parson in the meadows name?
Frosty says that he is Parson Brown. When we're walking in a winter wonderland..

Extra Credit:
Where does one go a wassailing?
Here we go a wassailing amongst the leaves so green.

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
You noticed of course: Noel

Songs of Christmas Quiz

(answers to appear tomorrow)

1. Where would you go to hear Silver Bells?
2. Who was it that danced with the silk hat on his head?
3. Where would you find Reindeer Paws?
4. What did the cattle do to wake the poor baby?
5. When did I see those three ships?
6. What size were those Kings of the Orient?
7. What is it that helps to make the season bright?
8. Who wants a pair of hop-a-long boots, and a pistol that shoots?
9. Who still wants a hula a hoop?
10. Who kept time to the drum?
11. Who and what color was the animal that gave the hay to pillow his head ?
12. Where do the hopes and fears of all the years meet?
13. What would keep me warm all the way home?
14. What does Susie want?
15. Why does the child want his two front teeth?
16. What was the other reindeer's name?? (she used to laugh and call him names)
17. What was the horse in Jingle bells named?
18. When will I finally go?
19. What color is Christmas without you?
20. What is the parson in the meadows name?

Extra Credit:
Where does one go a wassailing?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ?

John Branyon performs "The Three Little Pigs...in Old English"

John Branyon provided comedic entertainment at this year's MOPS Convention!

Labor Day - Mom Style!

Celebrate this Labor Day by knowing you have the best job ever- being a mom! Please see the following job description from SuperKids~

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment.

Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three sec onds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Momerisms -- In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "TheHokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.


(taken from www.squidoo.com/momerisms)

If You Give A Mom A Muffin

by Kathy Fictore, adapted from If You Give A Mouse A Cookie by Laura Numeroff

If you give a mom a muffin, she’ll want a cup of coffee to go with it. She’ll pour herself some. Her three-year-old will spill the coffee. She’ll wipe it up. Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks. She’ll remember she has to do laundry. When she puts the laundry in the washer, she’ll trip over boots and bump into the freezer. Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper. She will get out a pound of hamburger. She’ll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With A Pound Of Hamburger.) The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail. She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow. She will look for her checkbook. The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two-year-old. She’ll smell something funny. She’ll change the two-year-old. While she is changing the two-year-old the phone will ring. Her five-year-old will answer and hang up. She’ll remember that she wants to phone a friend to come for coffee. Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup. She will pour herself some. And chances are, if she has a cup of coffee, her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Famous Mom Sayings...

Have you heard yourself saying any of these things? Ever get any of them said to you as a child?Check out the rest of the list here.

Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO.
Don't cross your eyes or they'll freeze that way.
Don't EVER let me catch you doing that again!

What did I say the FIRST time?

You just ate an hour ago!

You will ALWAYS be my baby.
You're going to put your eye out with that thing!

You're the oldest. You should know better.

You kids are trying to drive me crazy!

Who taught you THAT?

It's no use crying over spilt milk.
I've had it up to here with you.
Leave your sister (brother) alone!

I don't care who started it, I said stop!

How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tasted it?

I hope someday you have children just like you.

A phone call....

A lot of people don't realize the work that goes into being a mother. Only a mother knows what a mother really does, and only a mother can tell the story. Here's a little tidbit that will hopefully give the rest of the world just a tiny bit of insight on just how hard us mothers actually work!

THE INTERVIEW

The phone rings...

MOTHER: Hello?

INTERVIEWER: Hello, Ma'am. I'm a reporter and we're choosing women at random to give brief accounts of their job descriptions to run in next week's issue of our career paper. Do you have a minute?

MOTHER: Not now, I'm busy!

INTERVIEWER: OK Ma'am, I won't take anymore of your time.

MOTHER: Oh, I'm sorry, I was talking to my two-year old. She's trying to get me to pour her some milk.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, I see. So you're a mother?

MOTHER: I can't just yet, I'll do it in a minute!

INTERVIEWER: Excuse me, what was that?

MOTHER: Oh, my apologies. I was talking to my 4 year old, he needs help wiping his bottom.

INTERVIEWER: Oh, well I'll be brief. First of all, do you work?

MOTHER: Of course I do.

INTERVIEWER: Great! What is your occupation?

MOTHER: I'm a mother.

INTERVIEWER: Oh. But you don't work for pay, right?

MOTHER: I have the highest paying job I know!

INTERVIEWER: But I thought you were a mother. Do you have another occupation?

MOTHER: Isn't that enough?

INTERVIEWER: I suppose. (pause) Well, I'll let you get back to your children Ma'am. I have some interviews to collect.

MOTHER: Wait! Don't you want to hear my job description?

INTERVIEWER: Uhhh.... (Thinking about a potential lawsuit if he should say no) ..... OK, go for it.

MOTHER: Could you hold on just a minute? Let me take care of my son in the bathroom. This should just take a second.

INTERVIEWER: (sighs) OK. I'll wait.

About 5 minutes pass...

MOTHER: I'm back. Whew, that one was above and beyond the call of duty!

INTERVIEWER: I think I'll leave that out of my article.

MOTHER: Good idea.

INTERVIEWER: Well let's hear the job description. (He mutters under his breath), This shouldn't take too long.

MOTHER: I hope you have lots of paper...hmmm. Well, here it goes...

I have the world's most important job. I'm a Manager of Miracles (or MOM for short). I train people for life. I teach them morals and right from wrong. I make sure that they get the proper education that will help them to one day have the ability to rule the world if necessary. I also teach them the small things that go along with good civilization such as good hygiene and manners.

The training process takes a lot of patience and requires me to hold a number of different job titles. I'll share just a few with you for time's sake.

For one thing, I'm a nurse. There are times when my little "trainees" (hereafter referred to as my children or kids), will get scraped knees and little tears will stream down little faces. It is my place to put a colorful bandage on it and kiss it. This has an amazing healing effect. Usually, the child will then wipe their eyes, smile and run back and do the same thing that made them get the scraped knee in the first place. However, there are more difficult times like when my kids have the flu. It is then my place to be on call at any given moment to come and check temperatures, administer medicine, or even hold a barf bag. If I don't get there quickly enough, it may require cleaning messes out of the carpet. I often give up my own sleep to make sure that my child is comfortable.

Also, I'm a referee. Believe it or not, there are times when my little "angels" grow horns. Fights break out between siblings and it's my place to break up the fights and restore the peace.

Sometimes as a MOM, I must be a psychologist. I have to delve into the problems of my children and find the root causes for their behavior and help them change it.

I'm a teacher 24/7. My children are constantly learning from me whether I'm trying to teach them or not. This requires me to be very careful about everything that I do and say, for they learn the bad as well as the good.

Another one of my jobs, and one that I'm really good at is that of an attorney. There are times when the judge, (dad), lays down the law. Although I agree with Judge Dad that punishment must be received for wrongdoings, I look into what caused the child to behave the way they did. I've been know to get "sentences" reduced if the child can present good reasons for why they did what they did. (Judge Dad don't seem to think that this is an attorney role, he thinks it's a soft Mommy's heart).

I'm a chauffeur, a maid, a cook, and....did you say something sir?

INTERVIEWER: ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

MOTHER: Well, I guess he got tired just listening to all I have to do. 'click'

Let's go get your milk now sweetie